MOVIE REVIEW - New World, The (2005)

The scenery and cinematography are beautiful throughout this epic wannabe. The opening sequence shows the colonial ships about to land in The New World – the music begins – it sounds like an orchestra doing warm-ups… arpeggios, the boats get closer, more arpeggios (same key), a view of the land, more arpeggios (same key), the boats get closer, slowly, more arpeggios (same key still – please, move on), the Naturals (Native Americans) are shown walking along the shore – slowly, of course – more arpeggios (same key – my God, my eyes are bleeding), the boats get closer – this goes on for probably 6 minutes – never changing the notes, always going slowly, driving me absolutely berserk. Finally, the boat lands, the arpeggios stop (don’t worry, they’ll be back).

Colin Farrell and Christopher Plummer get out of the boat and walk slowly, not speaking much, and if so, ever so slowly, and mostly just narrating thoughts (slowly, of course). They meet the Naturals, develop some basic language with them, but the Naturals dialogue is written based on a 20th century mindset – not one they would’ve had at the time. Colin’s Smith even says, “The Naturals were lacking in guile, greed, jealousy” – uh, this is not only false, but it’s not something he would’ve thought at the time. Colin meets Pocahontas, and they have NO chemistry – Colin is looking about (slowly, of course) during intimate scenes like he is distracted or disinterested. Most of the dialogue in the film is narrating thoughts, and the narration is SOOOO SLOWWWWWWWW. The arpeggios return – ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I start thinking, my word, this is a remake of The Thin Red Line in a different setting.
The fort/village built by the colonists in a short time was impressive, especially compared to life in the Naturals village. But there are three adolescent boys in this village who are the worst actors and have the worst characters to play of any epic film I’ve seen. Thankfully, they didn’t hang around long.

Even though Colin had zilch chemistry with Pocahontas (who was not pretty), he keeps obsessing about her with an unrealistic “deep yearning”. When he’s away from her, he narrates his thoughts, which flop from leadership struggles to Pocahontas and back – slowly, but jarringly. Ugh, it’s not even half over. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He tells her, “Don’t trust me. You don’t know who I am” – again, rewriting history, as if Smith had the foreknowledge and guilt of his upcoming actions.

The change of seasons was nicely depicted. When there was finally some action (battles), the scenes were disjointed, the chronology was intentionally out of synch, and is even confusing as to who won each skirmish. After the battles, Colin talks (narrates, slowly) about prayer – what? That was out of nowhere. I think I’m just gonna walk out – nah, hang in, you’re now more than halfway through. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Get Me Out Of Here!
During the entire second half, Pocahontas is shown probably 20 times walking ever so slowly through the fields – deliberately, slowly, gliding, slowly, not saying anything. Walk slowly, kiss slowly, talk slowly, rewrite history, ever so slowly.

Enter Christian Bale, at almost 2 hours in, and I realize there is an entire other storyline to develop – NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Now, my eyes really are bleeding. BANDAGES, I need BANDAGES!! Christian’s narration: “Hours pass. She speaks not a word.” Ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth. When she finally speaks, she says, oh so deeply and intimately, “I like grass” (if only she had meant marijuana, this may have been interesting). My God. Keep that music slow, now.

The theatre is silent for the entire film – I glance around, and everyone looks riveted to the screen. With 20 minutes left to go, I overhear the guy behind me say to his pregnant wife, “This may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” I turned around and said, “THANK YOU”. He shaped his fingers like a gun and shot himself in the head. Amen, and Amen.
Over two hours in, and they go back to Colin’s story. You’ve GOT to be kidding me! Speak your thoughts, slowly, music plays, slowly, walk, so so slowly. This has GOT to be The Thin Red Line guy (it is – written and directed by Terrence Malick – who is bankrolling his horrific films???). The arpeggios start again – I simply cannot take it – they go on for another 5 minutes, which seem like years. I begin ripping hairs from my head to divert the pain. And finally, to the slow tune of arpeggios, it ends. Oh My God.

MOVIE REVIEW - Red Eye (2005)

Predictable but fun thriller, starring the cute Rachel McAdams. The script was pretty lame and even tended toward B-film quality. And I don't care for Cillian Murphy as the bad guy. But enough fun to keep it interesting.

MOVIE REVIEW - Transamerica (2005)

Seems to be about Image, even though she keeps saying it is about “who we are”. She constantly looks in the mirror, checks herself, watches her every movement, is obsessed about how she is perceived. It is difficult for the viewer to watch a woman playing a man playing a woman – I kept having to remind myself which she was supposed to be, and I kept thinking about what was going through Felicity’s mind as an actress (as opposed to the character)

There is some clever dialog, and Felicity was solid (but with flaws). But the film was filled with many stereotypes and clichés. And very bizarre values (Beer and making gay porn for the 17-year-old son is acceptable, but get those shoes off the coffee table).

When it boils down to it, I’m just icked out by the concept and could not get past it. It was preachy as I expected (“I think transexuality is an amazingly evolved sense of being”), politely but solidly ridiculing those who can’t respect her for her decisions.

MOVIE REVIEW - Match Point (2005)

The opening line – “The man who said ‘It’s better to be lucky than right’ had a deep understanding of life” – tells us that this will be a movie that thinks it is deep, when in fact, it is trite. The plot is decent, the direction is quite good, but the script and dialogue and values are bad, and the two lead actors are horrible – complete zombies, unappealing, and insanely monotone. Scarlett thinks she is seductive, but in all the grotesque ways. She looks away from who she’s speaking to, like she’s trying to be mysterious, but instead just looks dim – it’s pathetic how transparently her “acting” shows through. There were many tips of the hat to the liberal crowd – yoga, “brilliant” British phrases, disgust toward the business world. I couldn’t stand anyone in the film – even the ones we were supposed to like. The audience thought it was cool and deep and funny, which makes me dislike the film even more.

MOVIE REVIEW - Squid And The Whale, The (2005)

This should be subtitled "Instructions On How To Destroy Your Kids". It bolstered my opinion that parents should need a license before getting the privilege of raising their kids. Such hideous values we place in our children. Jeff Daniels was good and horrible as the emotionally manipulative, needy dad who has become an intellectual loser. There is a ton of intellectual superiority – the movie makes fun of it, but joins in, too. The lines are divided too starkly – young son is momma’s boy, older son idolizes jerk of a dad. The film effectively shows that people think they try to save a marriage, when really they are doing nothing.

There was a nice moment of reality when the older son said, "I don’t see myself this way"; and the mom said, "Well, this is how it is". I could’ve done without watching the sexual and alcoholic exploration of a 10-year-old kid. Nothing much gets resolved, and it is quite unpleasant. The actors did an admirable job, but it’s mostly just a downer of a movie.

MOVIE REVIEW - Four Brothers (2005)

A bore. Four renegades who grew up together in the foster home of a lovely woman, and helped them be less delinquent than they could've been. The relationships between these guys in the hood started with promise - but it failed to bring us into the story. Erratic, violent (not in the good way), and simply uninteresting.

MOVIE REVIEW - Brokeback Mountain (2005)

A movie in two parts – first part crappy, second part touching.

During the first half, I was not drawn into Ennis and Jack’s friendship. The story drags and feels a little like the setup in those porn movies that have stories – two people notice each other, do some awkward social dance, the hidden ogles. Thankfully, this was no porn movie, though – for the most part, we just see a clumsy kiss during that first sex scene – that absurd and unbelievable first sex scene that came out of nowhere. And even after that first encounter, the story was, well, in my notes I used the word stupid. This is going to win Best Picture?? I know he had inner frustration with his action; but when Ennis first cried, it seemed overdone based on what little they had between them at that point. They tried to create a sense of longing, but the history of the relationship did not warrant the depth of longing being expressed – or at least the movie hadn’t portrayed the depth.

Prior to Jack and Ennis’ first reunion, Ennis and Alma’s marriage was good – with her being a little manipulative, and Ennis being surprisingly warm and accommodating (based on the stoicism we had seen in him before). After that first reunion, her turmoil was well-expressed. It seems if Jack had never returned, Ennis would’ve been a happy and faithful man in his marriage.

The turning point came around their third reunion. Ennis shoots a grin toward Jack, and finally their bond was visible and believable. Ennis is a hard man with a glimmer of light who finds himself in a “goddam bitch of an unsatisfactory situation” (a line by Jack that felt like a line – mediocre acting by Jake throughout). When Jack proposed the impossible plan, Ennis displays his frustration: “You got it all figured out. Fucking Jack Twist. It’s because of you I’m like this.” The themes of friendship, aching for someone, sadness in the unattainable transcend the gay cowboy story, and these thoughts did linger after the movie. The slow guitar theme is nice and colors the sadness. Heath’s tears were touching.

Other thoughts: Ennis’ makeup toward the end was readily visible – especially just to the side of his right eye. What is it about Anne Hathaway (not just in this movie) that I find so unappealing? She reminded me of Sue Ellen Ewing. She is no longer the sweet girl of Ella Enchanted, though she tried a little too hard here to break that image (including, with nudity). The cinematography didn’t capture the majesty of the scenery. Because of the parodies in mainstream culture, I did laugh out loud at the “Quit You” line, in such an inappropriate moment. Even though there are moments that shine and emotions that grab you, no matter how much the filmmakers protest, this is, at its core, just The Gay Cowboy Movie.

So, how do you rate a movie whose first half is a 2 and last half is a 7? I’ll give it a 4. But it’s no Best Picture (even though it will be).

Best of 2005

In preparation for the upcoming Oscar nominations, and along the lines of the format of AFI, I'm listing my choices for the Oscar top categories and the Best of TV for 2005.

Movies:
Top 10 Movies of the year (in order):
1. Cinderella Man
2. Crash
3. Sin City
4. Jarhead
5. March Of The Penguins
6. Shopgirl
7. Assault On Precinct 13
8. The Skeleton Key
9. Junebug
10. Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, The
11. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
12. Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic
13. Batman Begins
14. Derailed
15. The Producers

Best Actor:
1. Russell Crowe (Cinderella Man)
2. Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain)
3. Matthew Broderick (The Producers)
--tough choice between all three of the above--
4. Joaquin Phoenix (Walk The Line)
5. Clive Owen (Dwight; Sin City)
6. Steve Martin (Shopgirl)
7. Jake Gyllenhaal (Jarhead)
8. Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote)
9. Kurt Russell (Dreamer: Inspired By A True Story)
10. Lawrence Fishburne (Assault On Precinct 13)

Best Actress:
1. Claire Danes (Shopgirl)
2. Naomi Watts (King Kong)
3. Kimberly Elise (Diary Of A Mad Black Woman)
4. Reese Witherspoon (Walk The Line)
5. Ziyi Zhang (Memoirs Of A Geisha)
6. Charlize Theron (North Country)
7. Jennifer Aniston (Derailed)
8. Maria Bello (A History Of Violence)
9. Joan Allen (The Upside Of Anger)
10. Julianne Moore (Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, The)

Best Director:
1. Ron Howard (Cinderella Man)
2. Frank Miller/Robert Rodriguez (Sin City)
3. Rob Marshall (Memoirs Of A Geisha)
4. George Clooney (Good Night, And Good Luck)
5. Paul Haggis (Crash)
6. Sam Mendes (Jarhead)
7. Jean-Francois Richet (Assault On Precinct 13)
8. James Mangold (Walk The Line)
9. Iain Softley (The Skeleton Key)
10. Anand Tucker (Shopgirl)


Best Supporting Actor:
1. Paul Giamatti (Joe Gould; Cinderella Man)
2. Terrence Howard (Cameron Thayer; Crash)
3. Ciaran Hinds (Carl; Munich)
4. Ken Wattanabe (Chairman; Memoirs Of A Geisha)
5. Tyler Perry (Brian/Madea/Joe; Diary Of A Mad Black Woman)
6. Sean Bean (Kyle; North Country)
7. James McAvoy (Mr. Tumnus; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe)
8. Woody Harrelson (Bill White; North Country)
9. Freddie Highmore (Charlie; Charlie And The Chocolate Factory)
10. Robert Downey, Jr. (Joe Wershba; Good Night, And Good Luck)

Best Supporting Actress:
1. Michelle Yeoh (Mameha; Memoirs Of A Geisha)
2. Suzuka Ohgo (Chiyo; Memoirs Of A Geisha)
3. Francis McDormand (Glory; North Country)
4. Thandie Newton (Christine Thayer; Crash)
5. Alicia Witt (Hadley Wolfmeyer; The Upside Of Anger)
6. Michelle Williams (Alma Del Mar; Brokeback Mountain)
7. Rosario Dawson (Gail; Sin City)
8. Stockard Channing (Dolly; Must Love Dogs)
9. Maria Bello (Alex Sabian; Assault On Precinct 13)
10. Judy Greer (Heather; Elizabethtown)

And the Razzie award for Worst movie of the year:
1. The New World
2. Rent
3. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The
4. Transamerica
5. The Squid and the Whale

I'll add a disclaimer that there are still a few movies that I have not yet seen. So the following movies could be added at a later time:
* The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada


Television (a little awkward halfway through the season):
Top 12 shows of the year (in order) (I couldn’t stop at 10):
1. Arrested Development (no contest – the very best)
2. Battlestar Gallactica
3. 24
4. Lost
5. Three Wishes (the best in sappy TV, plus it's Amy)
6. Grey's Anatomy
7. Survivor: Guatemala
8. Boston Legal
9. My Name Is Earl (excellent at first, declining some)
10. How I Met Your Mother
11. Wanted (excellent depiction of a conflicted conservative Christian in a violent world)
12. The Office (improving)

Best Actor:
** Kiefer Sutherland (24)
Jason Bateman (Arrested Development)
Edward James Olmos (Battlestar Gallactica)

Best Actress:
** Mary McDonnell (Battlestar Gallactica)
Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives)
Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy)
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives)

Best Supporting Actor:
** Michael Cera (Arrested Development)
David Cross (Arrested Development)
T. R. Knight (Grey’s Anatomy)
Ryan Hurst (Wanted)
Will Arnett (Arrested Development)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Tony Hale (Arrested Development)
William Shatner (Boston Legal)

Best Supporting Actress:
** Jessica Walter (Arrested Development)
Jaime Pressly (My Name Is Earl)
Sandra Oh (Grey’s Anatomy)
Shohreh Aghdashloo (24)
Evangeline Lilly (Lost)
Candice Bergen (Boston Legal)
Reiko Aylesworth (24)

MOVIE REVIEW - Producers, The (2005)

Now these are funny lyrics. The writers of Rent should take note how to seamlessly place dialogue into lyrics effectively - excellent. "Stop the world, I want to get on!" "You’ve mistaken me for someone with a spine." "Do I smell the stench of self esteem?" Matthew: "Let's assume for a moment that you’re a dishonest man." Nathan: "Assume away." These are lines to carry a movie. Nathan is Nathan – too over the top, consistently. Matthew is extremely funny, as usual; and his singing voice is surprisingly adequate, effortless even, though a bit reminiscent of Bueller. And he can dance – I had no idea – he’s quite talented – Best Actor talented, even. I didn’t even mind the big production song and dance numbers (atypical for me), because they fit and were well done. Jon Lovitz and the accountant’s choreography – cool. The little things are funny – like the twitching of the accountant, in synch with the rhythm of the song. It’s hysterical that they rewrote the play so that Germany wins. "It's sort of a Nazi hoedown."

And then, about halfway through, the movie collapses. We meet Roger Bart, who is really funny as the flamboyantly gay assistant, for about 2 minutes. And then he wears thin. Very thin. And then we realize that he is tame compared to the rest of the flamboyantly gay cast; and a long stretch of the movie becomes a series of over-the-top gayness and silly pratfalls. For most of the second hour. Even then, there are some brilliant moments – the couch sex scene with Matthew and Uma is great; Nathan’s recap song at the end was funny; the old ladies singing and dancing – a riot. I wish they could’ve maintained the brilliance for as long as the movie lasted.

MOVIE REVIEW - Munich (2005)

I should've read more on history before going to this movie. I spent so much time wondering which parts were true, I think it detracted from my viewing experience. I've read more now, and it seems that the plotlines of the story Are historical (that Meir did in fact mandate the assassinations, that 9 were carried out, as the movie portrays). And that the controversial aspect is more in the motivations of Meir, the assassins, and the terrorists - that Spielberg potentially imputed a political correctness and moral equivalence between the two sides where it may or may not have been warranted.

Controversy aside, well, I may need to see it again to give it a fair evaluation. There were intense moments during some of the assassinations. There was an interesting comraderie and occasional friction between the assassins (the group includes the new Bond). There was much moral wrestling (which is one of the points of controversy). One of the more poignant moments in the film was the discussion between Bana and a Palestinian terrorist - where the terrorist describes his need for a Home as his driving force. From purely a film standpoint, the moment was touching and compelling. From a reality standpoint, well, therein lies the controversy of the film.

In the end, controversy aside, I mostly just wish it was more interesting.

MOVIE REVIEW - Must Love Dogs (2005)

Quietly delightful - because Diane just can't help but be anything but. And yet it seemed a tad shallow and/or inappropriate, in that the primary goal for these forty-somethings was to figure out how to get into bed. There were some uneven moments (Dermot's change was too abrupt, Plummer's "heartfelt" explanation of his behavior was disgustingly shallow). But plenty watchable and endearing, for a chick flick.

MOVIE REVIEW - Memoirs Of A Geisha (2005)

A beautifully told story with a fatal flaw. Spielberg and Marshall know how to craft a movie, and this is no exception. The narration gives a lovely, pensive backdrop for this tale of a girl sold into the life of a Geisha. The acting was terrific: by the girl, by her grown up counterpart, by Ken Watanabe, and mostly, by the Oscar-worthy performance of Michelle Yeoh - she was incredible - seductive, wise, all-encompassing beauty. There was a definite portrayal that this life was one of survival, and these were certainly sympathetic characters. Unfortunately, the beauty in this movie is wasted, trying to tell a story that is false at its core. A primary point of the film is trying to explain to the viewer the differences between a Geisha and a common prostitute - the glamour, the anticipation, the years of study, the kimono that is worth a year's pay. And the climax? So that the young Geisha can receive the highest price for her cave's opening - emphasizing that, in the end, yes, she is just a prostitute. A beautiful one, one that is the very best at her craft, one that is brutally catty toward her competitors, but a prostitute nonetheless. The ultimate love story in the movie walks such a fine line between love and pedophilia that it's uneasy to root for it. When the war has crumbled the mystique, we see the Geisha and the prostitute side by side. And while there is a difference in beauty and grace, there is no difference in function or even in soul.