MOVIE REVIEW - New World, The (2005)

The scenery and cinematography are beautiful throughout this epic wannabe. The opening sequence shows the colonial ships about to land in The New World – the music begins – it sounds like an orchestra doing warm-ups… arpeggios, the boats get closer, more arpeggios (same key), a view of the land, more arpeggios (same key), the boats get closer, slowly, more arpeggios (same key still – please, move on), the Naturals (Native Americans) are shown walking along the shore – slowly, of course – more arpeggios (same key – my God, my eyes are bleeding), the boats get closer – this goes on for probably 6 minutes – never changing the notes, always going slowly, driving me absolutely berserk. Finally, the boat lands, the arpeggios stop (don’t worry, they’ll be back).

Colin Farrell and Christopher Plummer get out of the boat and walk slowly, not speaking much, and if so, ever so slowly, and mostly just narrating thoughts (slowly, of course). They meet the Naturals, develop some basic language with them, but the Naturals dialogue is written based on a 20th century mindset – not one they would’ve had at the time. Colin’s Smith even says, “The Naturals were lacking in guile, greed, jealousy” – uh, this is not only false, but it’s not something he would’ve thought at the time. Colin meets Pocahontas, and they have NO chemistry – Colin is looking about (slowly, of course) during intimate scenes like he is distracted or disinterested. Most of the dialogue in the film is narrating thoughts, and the narration is SOOOO SLOWWWWWWWW. The arpeggios return – ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I start thinking, my word, this is a remake of The Thin Red Line in a different setting.
The fort/village built by the colonists in a short time was impressive, especially compared to life in the Naturals village. But there are three adolescent boys in this village who are the worst actors and have the worst characters to play of any epic film I’ve seen. Thankfully, they didn’t hang around long.

Even though Colin had zilch chemistry with Pocahontas (who was not pretty), he keeps obsessing about her with an unrealistic “deep yearning”. When he’s away from her, he narrates his thoughts, which flop from leadership struggles to Pocahontas and back – slowly, but jarringly. Ugh, it’s not even half over. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He tells her, “Don’t trust me. You don’t know who I am” – again, rewriting history, as if Smith had the foreknowledge and guilt of his upcoming actions.

The change of seasons was nicely depicted. When there was finally some action (battles), the scenes were disjointed, the chronology was intentionally out of synch, and is even confusing as to who won each skirmish. After the battles, Colin talks (narrates, slowly) about prayer – what? That was out of nowhere. I think I’m just gonna walk out – nah, hang in, you’re now more than halfway through. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Get Me Out Of Here!
During the entire second half, Pocahontas is shown probably 20 times walking ever so slowly through the fields – deliberately, slowly, gliding, slowly, not saying anything. Walk slowly, kiss slowly, talk slowly, rewrite history, ever so slowly.

Enter Christian Bale, at almost 2 hours in, and I realize there is an entire other storyline to develop – NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Now, my eyes really are bleeding. BANDAGES, I need BANDAGES!! Christian’s narration: “Hours pass. She speaks not a word.” Ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth. When she finally speaks, she says, oh so deeply and intimately, “I like grass” (if only she had meant marijuana, this may have been interesting). My God. Keep that music slow, now.

The theatre is silent for the entire film – I glance around, and everyone looks riveted to the screen. With 20 minutes left to go, I overhear the guy behind me say to his pregnant wife, “This may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” I turned around and said, “THANK YOU”. He shaped his fingers like a gun and shot himself in the head. Amen, and Amen.
Over two hours in, and they go back to Colin’s story. You’ve GOT to be kidding me! Speak your thoughts, slowly, music plays, slowly, walk, so so slowly. This has GOT to be The Thin Red Line guy (it is – written and directed by Terrence Malick – who is bankrolling his horrific films???). The arpeggios start again – I simply cannot take it – they go on for another 5 minutes, which seem like years. I begin ripping hairs from my head to divert the pain. And finally, to the slow tune of arpeggios, it ends. Oh My God.