MOVIE REVIEW - Lovely Bones, The (2009)

This awful adaptation of the apparently awful book by Alice Sebold stars two of my favorite actors in Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz. This hideous script and hideous execution of said script so wasted their admirable talents.

Things I hated about the movie (spoiler alerts, galore!):
* Ridiculous "theology" of the in-between world, where people who have all been murdered by the same person apparently go until that person has been, um, not caught, but found out. As soon as they are found out, the murdered sisterhood gets to happily move on to heaven, full of rainbows and water and changing seasons and light. Yee haw.
* The ultra-annoying Saoirse Ronan, who is no less awful here than she was in her hideous Oscar-nominated Atonement.
* Mark Wahlberg, with his ultra-huge biceps, elevated sense of vengeance, and BASEBALL BAT, gets beaten up by an unsuspecting wimpy teenager trying to have sex in a cornfield. Yeah, that's realistic.
* Said wimpy teenager and his now-pregnant cornfield girlfriend are part of the ""lovely bones"" that followed in the wake of Saoirse's murder. Hey, the cornfield girlfriend may think his bones are lovely, but I think they're all just white trash.
* The unbelievably long haul of the leaded safe from Tucci's truck to the sinkpit. Uh, could that have been drawn out any longer? Couldn't the truck have been moved back about 20 yards? Wouldn't those thumps have been better used thumping the director's head? And with all that "suspense", Saoirse (in said leaded safe) still ends up unfound in the pit? UGH!
* Saoirse, instead of coming back to avenge the killer, came back to - seriously??? - kiss her boyfriend, via the mystic? And by boyfriend, I mean ""kid who she had one conversation with, once""???!!! UGH!
* Karma gets Tucci. Yay. Ugh, how hideous.
* Sister, in the only decent scene in the entire movie, breaks into Tucci's house to find the evidence. And she does - but only as Tucci comes into the house. But wait - instead of taking the evidence and running, she - seriously??? - turns the page in the book. Yes, killer is downstairs, but I'm gonna turn a couple more pages just to see what I've got. This is just an awful movie.
* Sister finally has the evidence back in her house, and lo and behold, mom is back home from a long-spent emotional sabbatical. So no, let's not call the police yet, let's not let everyone know the urgent evidence in my hand; let's have family time first. Oh. My. God. I really hate this movie.
* The Asian "murdered sisterhood" girl was almost as annoying as Saoirse.
* Also as annoying as Saoirse was the not-so-young couple who sat behind me and brought their INFANT to the theater. Yes, infant - the kid could not have been more than 2 months old. Cried, cooed, and stared at the way-too-much-stimulation-for-an-infant movie. Worse, the couple constantly TALKED (not whispered) to each other about how next to deal with their crying infant. After the movie, I considered running them over with my car, just to spare the child of the next 20 years of horror being raised by these rednecks.

MOVIE REVIEW - Sunshine Cleaning (2009)

Amy Adams stars in this inspiring, difficult, and sometimes dreary indie film about a maid who starts a new business cleaning crime scenes. Her entrepreneurial spirit was admirable.

MOVIE REVIEW - Blind Side, The (2009)

Sandra Bullock finally carries a movie competently. She plays a real-life wealthy Southerner who takes in a homeless black kid, who ultimately becomes NFL player Michael Oher. This is an inspiring story, heavy on the sap, but also heavy on the laughs. This story shows compassion in action, and I know of several real-life families who have made similar choices. Good for them.

MOVIE REVIEW - 2012 (2009)

Special Effects? 8/10. Entertainment value? 6/10. Shrill fever-pitch liberal preaching? 1/10. Overall? So much less than it could have been.

MOVIE REVIEW - Men Who Stare at Goats, The (2009)

It’s not everyone’s humor, but it certainly was mine. I laughed a LOT at the quirky supposed psychics trying to end wars with their thoughts. The anti-war preaching got in the way of my enjoyment, but when the goat fell over, I was in stitches. Stars Clooney, Bridges, McGregor, and Spacey, in tailor-made roles.

MOVIE REVIEW - Inglourious Basterds (2009)

A fictional renegade band of Jews (led by Brad Pitt) collects 100 Nazi scalps, per Basterd. I dislike Quentin Tarrantino movies; but this was giddy fun. Christoph Waltz deserves the supporting Oscar for grinning through his Nazi cruelty. A “glourious”, fictional, insane ending caps a near-perfect crazy masterpiece. A unique part of the movie is that I liked nearly everyone in it. Brad was incredible. He explained somewhat in his initial speech why he wanted the scalps - because the Nazi's want to do the same to the Jews, and we're gonna show 'em what it's like (I use "'em", because Brad would've). I liked every Basterd that we got to know - the Bear Jew (you can even make him a Fan on Facebook); Stiglitz (the guy who the broke out of prison); and BJ Novak (mostly because he finally hopped away from The Office for a rewarding bit part). I didn't think the good guys were evil at all. They were confidently and joyously doing their righteous work, and good for them. I loved - LOVED - Christoph Waltz. The opening scene at the farm house was terrifying and amazing. His grin, his relishing of his job, his cruelty - it was like he was licking his lips and fingers after eating delicious ribs, during every scene. What a ham, that I thought he kept perfectly in line. It made his penultimate scene make sense and seem (can I even use this term in this absurdly crazy movie?) realistic. He needs (and just may get) an Oscar win. He is this year's Anton Chigurh. Bridget von Hammersmark, and the excruciating basement bar scene, were top notch. Shoshanna was excellent, as were ALL of her scenes (watching Waltz drink his milk was edge-of-your-seat fantastic) - except for the only flaw in the movie - the one you mentioned with putting on lipstick to Bowie - that was SO out of place and stupid. Faux-artsy crap is right. But only for this one scene - the rest is a masterpiece.

MOVIE REVIEW - Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009)

I wanted to like it more. It was colorful, lively, and cute. But it was too much strictly for kids, in my book. Enjoyable, but not great.

MOVIE REVIEW - Jam (2006)

Stupid ensemble drama about a bunch of people stuck in a traffic jam, and their pathetic lives.

MOVIE REVIEW - Moon (2009)

Sam Rockwell stars as multiple characters in this sci-fi about a contractor living in isolation for 3 years on the moon. It’s trippy, as he thinks he’s losing his mind when the mission nears an end. Sam makes some wacky movies, and he makes them better than they could’ve been.

MOVIE REVIEW - 500 Days of Summer (2009)

What a delight! Zooey Deschanel (Mumford) and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (3rd Rock from the Sun) shine as two doomed lovers. They laugh and dance, bouncing through their romance; but the viewer is the one who has the most fun, time-hopping from their dreamy start, to their sad demise, back to the excitement days. Summer is an infectious girl, as are the 500 days of their romance.